Satire for the suffering soul
At the annual conference of the Association of Christian Fanatics (ACF), Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, Congressman James Comer, and Senator Lindsey Graham sat down for a roundtable discussion with Reverend Dilbert Wingborn, pastor of the Pedophiles for Christ church in Lumpkin, Georgia.
After a standing ovation, Reverend Wingborn launched into a long speech in which he extolled his guests’ honesty, probity and bottomless faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and their loyalty to the greatest Christian president in the history of the United States, Donald J. Trump. The audience swooned and hollered for a full three minutes.
DW: Tell us, what’s the most impressive thing about President Trump.
MJ: Well, he never sleeps. The president is awake and fully functioning at all hours of the day and night, working hard for the benefit of the people of this great and godly nation. He often calls me at two-thirty in the morning and his mind is sharp as Gideon’s sword.
JC: I love President Trump’s devotion to the lord and his determination to drive the infidels from our country. No other man could do what he’s done. The Commie pinkos, the homosexuals and transgender weirdos are running scared, and the radical feminists are in full retreat. Jesus would be proud.
Audience: Standing ovation and shouts of Amen!
LG: Well, I’m just overjoyed about the war in Iran. It’s about time we had a president willing to unshackle our military and wipe out that terrible regime. We’re gonna level Tehran and install a government that will roll out the red carpet for Israel. We may kill some innocent civilians in the process, but hey, that’s the cost of war and besides, better them than us. Iran was less that twenty-four hours from having a fully functional nuclear weapon. Trust me, I saw Israel’s intelligence reports.
DW: Are any of you worried about adverse economic effects here at home?
LG: No, the lord will provide for the blessed American people. The war will be over in a few more days and everything will return to normal. Praise be. And let’s not forget the president’s tax cuts for the wealthiest and most deserving people in this country. Where would we be without our great billionaires? When you hit your knees tonight I want you to say a prayer of thanks for each and every American billionaire.
DW: Indeed. Great point, Senator Graham.
MJ: President Trump is fond of saying that our country is hot, and he’s absolutely right. Under the president’s brilliant leadership the economy is growing like never before. Inflation is low and prices for eggs, gas, and other everyday products are falling by the hour. And if I may, Reverend, I want to remind everyone that we’re in the middle of a manufacturing boom. Factories are being built at record speed all over this country. In my own district, a state-of-the-art facility was built in six days, and the grand opening was held on the seventh day. On the eighth day that factory began turning out the highest quality pink unicorns in the world, thousands of them every hour.
DW: And how many new jobs did this factory create, Mr. Speaker?
MJ: Six. All paying the federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour. Isn’t that incredible? President Trump is a business genius. Before long America will dominate the global market for pink unicorns and our great American workers will live comfortable and secure lives on the high wages paid in these new facilities. $7.25 an hour! Can you imagine? And you know what else is great? These new jobs provide top notch, world-class health insurance plans with annual out of pocket maximums as low as $30K a year!
LG: Can we get back to how many Islamic terrorists we’re killing in Iran? Don’t get me wrong, I like this unicorn story as much as anyone else, but we’re at war with an evil regime and we should be talking about Islamic fanatics who want to bring death to America.
JC: It’s a rout. We killed their Supreme Leader on the first day. Our military is unstoppable! Iran lies at the feet of President Trump.
Audience: USA! USA! USA!
LG: God bless our great president, the most moral man ever to sit in the Oval Office. I want to make something crystal clear. Some people are worried about the Epstein Files. Well, let me explain something, the entire Epstein matter is a complete fabrication by the Democrats. Everyone knows that Bill Clinton had a hankering for underage girls. He took vacations on Epstein Island! There are photographs of Clinton in hot tubs with twelve-year-old girls! Democrats are trying to hurt President Trump, but it’s not working. Look at his poll numbers! Through the roof! There’s not a shred of proof that the president even knew Jeffrey Epstein.
Audience: We Love Trump! Trump is Jesus! Trump is our savior!
MJ: In relation to the Epstein matter, it’s a proven fact that Hillary Clinton is addicted to the blood of aborted fetuses. Godless Democrats need to stop throwing stones inside their glass house. They’d be better off coming to terms with the fact that President Trump was anointed by Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to save America from Communists and Socialists.
JC: Amen, Mr. Speaker. And thank you for your steadfast leadership. This Congress is the most productive in the history of our country!
LG: Kill them all, that’s my opinion. They deserve to die and American deserves Iran’s oil.
DW: Well, gentlemen, this has been so illuminating. Smiting heathen Muslims, a booming economy, new factories, and total domination of the world market for pink unicorns. I’ve never been more proud to be a Christian and an American!
Audience: Praise Jesus!
